In just ten days, my family of three is leaving on a service and learning trip with Hearts 4 Guatemala, a small grass roots non-profit that seeks to empower families in Guatemala.  As the trip gets closer, my mind is scurrying in circles as my to-do list is running in a constant loop in my head:

• Make photocopies of the passports..

• Call the bank to let them know we will be out of the country…

• Confirm schedule with house sitter and so on…  

On today’s agenda is - Shopping

Time is running short so online shopping it is…

• new hiking shoes for my son Max (he has outgrown the ones he has)

• lightweight pants for my husband Ivan (culturally shorts are not appropriate for men and his pants are all too heavy for the climate)

• a new bathing suit for me (I too have “outgrown” what I have thus making it also inappropriate)

As I compile a list of what we “need” I consider a new messenger bag for me, I reason, my backpack is too big and my purse to small.  

Should we purchase a zoom lens for the SLR camera? I mean, think of the pictures we might miss without a zoom lens! 

As I continue down the online shopping rabbit hole I find myself looking for new lightweight, packable dress… and it hits me. 

The irony of shopping for a service trip to help those in poverty, our privilege and of course the guilt.

Our family is traveling with four other families to help run a medical clinic with Hope Worldwide in Chiquimula, Guatemala because basic access to healthcare is desperately needed.  We will work with Habitat for Humanity to build safe indoor stoves and pass out water filters so that that the families we serve can cook indoors without risking respiratory disease and drink clean water because 9 in 10 water sources are contaminated.  We will work in conjunction with Days for Girls to educate girls and the mothers about feminine hygiene products and provide them with reusable kits so that they might go to school when they have their period.  We will distribute donated first aid and hygiene supplies brought in our luggage because these resources are scarce in rural Guatemala.  

These efforts are meant to help and empower but I am… struggling. 

How can I buy new clothing while there are girls who cannot get an education because they don’t have the resources to deal with having their monthly period?

Why I am considering new camera gear when there are people who do not have access to clean water, decent medical care or a safe way to cook their food? 

I think to myself, I should be giving this money to them.  I should do better. 

The guilt is truly overwhelming.

Together our H(e)arts 4 Guatemala team of families raised more than $13,000 for the projects we sponsored and will volunteer for on this trip.  Our team asked family and friends for donations and they were more than generous.  We hosted a Chipotle fundraiser, held fundraising contests between schools and had a yard sale. 

This should make me feel good and generous and - yet - the cost of my family’s trip to Guatemala is more than the funds our family raised towards that 13K.  What my family is spending for us to travel is more than what we raised for them…

and this weighs heavily on my mind. 

I expressed these feelings to Megan Hart, our fearless leader on this trip, the founder of H(e)arts 4 Guatemala, and my dear friend.  

She sent me an Instagram post from Daniel C. White who is a photographer for Food for the Hungry, a non-profit that works to end poverty throughout the world. 

This part of his post spoke to me:

“We can’t live in guilt for what we have and can’t live selfishly for what we have.  We have to find the balance of guilt and gratefulness and that equals living a generous life.  Being grateful but also acting on it.”

So I am acting on my gratitude -

by heading to Guatemala with some new and likely unnecessary gear,

a spattering of Spanish drawn from Sesame Street and the Duolingo App

and a deep hope that my family can

- connect

- learn

- and grow

from this experience despite cultural, language and economic differences.  

I feel inadequately prepared on every level.   I feel nervous, I feel guilty for our privilege, but mostly I feel grateful for this amazing opportunity

- and -

I hope to find the balance amongst it all to truly lead a generous life.

By Michelle Wasserman